 In March of the year gone past, the legislature for the State of North Dakota took up the issue of remodeling the state penitentiary. This is the story of how the emperor will, instead, get his new penitentiary. [The Narrator enters from stage Right: "After 7 or 8 years of lengthy, expensive, time-consuming-but-thorough studies showed it would cost $42 million to fix the North Dakota State Penitentiary, a consensus arose in the land. Most everyone agreed that was the number to fix the problems. Everyone agreed to that number except the Realtor-legislators. They almost got away with a big subsidy to themselves during the legislative session, but were waylayed at the last minute."] "Wait, maybe there still is a way to milk the government for our own economic benefit," spake the Realtor-legislators. "Maybe we couldn't get away with our boondoggle during the legislative session, but there still might be a way to get our mitts on the state farm land. Maybe there is a way to have the public subsidize new commercial development at the existing pen site and the state farm." "No, no!!!" cried the nay-sayers. "There is no way we can swindle the public's land away from the public. They're too smart!" "Yes we can," said the Realtor-legislators, with the foresight to imagine Barack Obama's will.i.am video. "We can invoke the gullible media for this economic vision-quest." "But how will we fool the people? They have the media looking out for their interests!!!" questioned the nay-sayers. "First," laughed the Realtor-legislators, "we shall get the Chamber and the mayors, and the Realtor lobby to create a controversy from whole cloth to derail the obvious $42 million solution. The media will eat it up and give the public the impression that more study is needed." [Narrator: "And, oh yes, yes; the media fell for it."] "Then," said the swindlers, "lets set up an interim committee with 'our' people so we have the right discussion and get the right result." "But we'll never get away with it, will we? How can we get away with it?" the nay-sayers protested. "To do this," said the swindlers, "we will need the right consultant, one that will give us the plan that will make the state farm and current penitentiary land available for our use and profit." "But there have already been consultants working on this for 7 years," the nay-sayers cried. "They say we don't need a new penitentiary. Aren't they the experts on this? We can't just fire the experts!!! Can we???" "Yes we can," the Realtor-legislators Obamafied. "It does not matter that the previous consultants who know the prison and who understand the issues were the low bidders; we shall hire the higher bidder so we can get what we want, and the media will ignore how we've hired the higher bidder and will support us through printing articles about the committee deliberations that we frame." [Enter the show stopper, the culmination of a well-laid plan, yesterday.] "It would be cheaper to build a brand new prison," crowed the consultant to the media. "We won't add any beds, but we'll save money on the heating bill fifteen years from now. We can build a new prison for $213 million. The remodel would have cost much, much more at $42 million." "The media will never publish our voodoo math," whispered the nay-sayers, cringing. "Don't worry about the media. They're all suckers anyway," whispered back the Realtor-legislators. "Our high-bid consultant can frame it in such a way that we'll be guaranteed that state farm land can be got for about $7.1 million." "Isn't that voodoo economics?" whimpered the nay-sayers. [Press conference. Enter, Rep. Wieland.] "Oyez, oyez," cried Representative Realtor-legislator. "Be it known that, using the 'new math,' $42 million is more than $213 million!!! $213 million is cheaper for the public!!! This makes for sound fiscal policy. These are not the droids you are looking for. The emperor will have a new penitentiary!!!" ["Huzzah!!!!" the crowd cheered.] "Wow," says the media. "The legislature had better take the option that is cheaper for the public - $42 million is a lot more money than $213 million. The emperor's new penitentiary will be magnificent!!!" [From the crowd, a little boy tugs on his momma's coat.] "Isn't the difference between $213 million and $42 million a $171 million publicly funded subsidy for Realtor-legislators?" whispered the little boy. "Aren't they set to make tens or hundreds of millions of dollars on the backs of the taxpayers after we sacrifice the last of Bismarck's public riverfront land?" "No!! No!!," hushed his mother. "The Realtor-legislators are going to pay $7.1 million so they can make millions after we all pitch in $171 million in public tax money. That's not our money. It belongs to the Realtor-legislators. And besides... the state doesn't really need that $171 million for more property tax relief, deferred maintenance at the universities, health care for children or teacher pay, or the many other things that are a low priority to the Realtor-legislators." "But Momma," the little boy whispered. "Who will pay the $200,000 to hold the special session the Governor will call so the Republicans can push through this subsidy before they lose the Senate? The Realtor-legislators?" "No!! No!!! Of course not," chided his mother. "We cannot make them pay. We regular folks must all pitch in so the Realtor-legislators can get more money. That way they can afford to hire more of us at minimum wage (with no health insurance benefits) to groom the fairways in their golf courses." "Oh," said the little boy. "I guess that's fair." [Narrator: "And the parade moved along."]
 |
Show/hide comments
Show/hide comment form
